Silence and Spontaneity seem to be opposite ends of the spectrum. I am in love with both and would love for myself to harmonize them. But is it possible in the first place?
When I wake up, just like others, my awareness is at a low. Ironically I find it easier to be myself during these times. There is nobody looking upon me from a watch-tower. Because my own self-aware self is absent. I am under nobody’s radar. There is no productive/unproductive or worthwhile/not worthwhile tag as applied to my actions. I can crack jokes at length (oblivious of any time management) and blabber away to glory with my little one. The watcher and the commenter are not home. There is nobody telling me what to do and what not to do.
It’s so easy to be childlike when the watcher is not home. This to me is Spontaneity.
DOUBLE-EDGED SPONTANEITY
No doubt I commit many a mistake when I am spontaneous. I speak or do things that I shouldn’t. In my spontaneity today I kissed my little one while she was in bed. This led her to cry and get up and walk up to her mamma in the kitchen well before her waking time. Her Mamma’s already strenuous morning is only going to get more strenuous with the li’l one waking up an hour before her scheduled time. Well, I was insensitive.
But doesn’t insensitivity often go with Spontaneity? Can I be spontaneous and sensitive at the same time, every single time?
And why do I feel that the mistakes committed in Spontaneity are far more fun that the flawlessness I exhibit when I am aware? And while I create some trouble for self and others, don’t I also show up with my most effervescent self which is a gift to myself and others? It livens up the ambience at home like no other thing. Isn’t it going to more than compensate for all the goof ups I make? Why does the upside of Spontaneity attract me more than the flip side threatens me?
DOUBLE-EDGED SILENCE
Once I am done with my morning practice of Breathwork, I am absolutely blissed out and sufficiently thoughtless. This bliss is so much fun. It’s pure pleasure of the spirit that I am in touch with every single moment whether or not I am consciously aware of it. I am most sorted. I know what to do and what not to do. I know how to maximize my day and work my way to success. All because of the enhanced awareness that Silence precipitates. Wonderful upsides. Contrast this with what I have to say now.
My morning practice tops me up with Silence and Awareness. However this awareness often becomes a leash if you know what I mean.
Awareness cannot remain without translating itself into Self-Consciousness, the Watch-Dog. This Self-consciousness comes in the way to Spontaneity.
Can you be your natural self when the watch-dog is around? Imagine the tremors that a public speaker gets when he is too aware of himself on-stage. Imagine how you would perform if your eyes where always on the prize.
Every action I am about to take is already being subject to the lens of whether it’s beneficial for me or harmful, whether it’s sensitive enough or not, whether it’s morally correct or not. It’s as if I am not trusting my own being. And in the process, while my actions perhaps get refined, the juice of childlike spontaneity is lost.
HOW DO I CHOOSE?
Few years back, I used to be more spontaneous and less silent. I am currently more Silent and less Spontaneous. I am enjoying my current life like anything but I long for the years when I was more spontaneous. I can once again be that but is it worthwhile if it comes at the cost of Silence and Awareness? Can I alternate between the two (that is if I can) and establish some golden mean or should I choose between them and settle for one way of living? Can they tap-dance in tandem within me or should one necessarily die at the hands of another?
After all spontaneity requires you to unlearn all that awareness taught you. And awareness requires you to relearn all that you lost during spontaneity.
It’s a fix. Can you help me decide?
